Saying “no” is just as important as saying “yes.”
Have you been taught throughout your life to say "yes" to everyone? Or felt that saying "no" was simply not allowed? Do you associate "no" with negativity?
Today, I thought I would share some recent experiences with saying "no" and its importance for health and happiness. I hope that you'll enjoy reading my reflections.
The Freedom to Say “No”
The beauty of boundaries
One summer evening several decades ago, I sat in a car in the driveway of my home, talking with a colleague who was a medical intuitive. Though I have forgotten the circumstances and her name, I have never forgotten her words.
We were talking about life. Since she was an intuitive, I asked her when I would be able to manifest my biggest dreams and hopes. She responded that I wasn't ready yet. (I thought, at the time, that I was really, really ready.)
I asked her, "Why?" and she replied that I hadn't learned to say "no." I was "trying to save every patient who asked for help." At the time, I didn't know how that had anything to do with the frustrating gap between the life I had and the life I dreamed of. After all, saving people's lives was a good thing--wasn't it?
But in the intervening years, I healed and grew. And now I know. I had been so busy trying to be everything for everybody that I neglected to live the life I wanted to live.
Nobody had ever said to me, "It's important to say 'no' sometimes, and here's when it's appropriate to say this useful and powerful word." In fact, just the opposite occurred whenever I attempted to say "no."
My Chinese parents came from a culture where children were expected to obey the adults. Saying "no" was simply not allowed.
Once during a psychiatric session with his daughter, who had attempted suicide and was deeply depressed, a Chinese father said that he would rather she die than disobey him. Many years later, I got a call from the same family. The mother asked me to help her son who had also attempted suicide, depressed because of the situation with his overbearing and controlling father. (Not every Chinese parent is like this, of course, but it gives you a flavor of what I was up against.)
Coming from such a culture, I was developmentally stunted when it came to saying "no." For most of my life, I didn't know how to apply this important word in a tactful and appropriate way. And if I allowed myself to say "no," I was conditioned to expect the sky to fall and the ground below to crumble away for daring to do so. It was always "yes" to this and "yes" to that until I yessed myself into a deep state of depression.
Healing from depression required that I learn how to use my voice to say "no." I had to add this word to my shelf of useful vocabulary and use it when necessary. Here are just a few ways I have said "no" over the past two months:
I said "no" to a class that I registered for months earlier on Thought Field Therapy because I needed the extra time to finish my book proposal for the Hay House Writing Contest. Even though I had already paid for the class, I was really glad I didn't go because I needed the extra time to rest and focus on my writing. (prioritizing my activities, interests, and goals)
I said "no" to several new patients right before the Christmas holidays, and the few that were added were well enough not to need me during my vacation. For the first time ever, my holiday was free of psychiatric crises or drama. (choosing a restful holiday celebration)
I said "no" to prospective patients and parents of patients who wanted me to heal them or their children from schizophrenia long distance, by text, or through "a couple of consultations." I may be good, but not that good. (empowering myself for success and setting proper limits on treatment)
I said, "no" to myself about getting two bathrooms remodeled (after I wandered into a house for sale and saw their beautiful bathrooms). $50,000.00 was the average estimate for renovating two bathrooms. Need I say more? (avoiding unnecessary debts)
Nobody can tell you exactly when you should say "no" to something or someone. The whole point of saying "no" is that you have a choice. You are free to choose what you want for your life. Knowing how to use your freedom wisely comes with practice and experience. What is freeing is that you give yourself permission to say "no" just as readily as you give yourself permission to say "yes."
And know that when you do so,
you are not being a quitter.
you are not being weak.
you are not being selfish.
you are not being mean.
you are not being negative.
you are not being a loser.
You are simply choosing to live your best life. And that's perfectly okay.
P.S. In last week's update, "The Other Side of Regret" I shared an experience where my son, Jordan, could sense wisdom from the Sequoias surrounding us. This week, as I was reading "Ensouling Language" by Stephen H. Buhner, I learned that connecting to the world around us is called aisthesis (chapter 11 of the book).