Hmmm. . . I think you could use a bit more blue in your hair.
From Brené Brown's research on true belonging, four elements emerged:
1. People Are Hard to Hate Close Up. Move In.
2. Speak Truth to Bullshit. Be Civil.
3. Hold Hands. With Strangers.
4. Strong Back. Soft Front. Wild Heart.
Today's update covers the first element—from the perspective of a holistic psychiatrist of course! Read on for some stories from my work with patients.
People Are Lovable Close-Up. Gain Insight.
Letting go of stereotypes and prejudices
As my eyes went down the list of questions in Sherry's (pseudonym) initial intake form, I saw 25 "TBD's" and four "Na's." So basically, she didn't give me any information about herself before her appointment. I found out later that she'd also chosen a false date of birth. When we spoke on the phone about her intake form, she explained that she had an important position at work that required anonymity.
With a preamble like that, I assumed that she was probably paranoid and manic. I braced myself for the long process of writing down her entire psychiatric history during her first session—something I like to avoid by having the intake form. I was not pleased.
As it turned out, I was wrong about Sherry in just about every way. She was neither manic nor paranoid. Instead, she was a vivacious, funny, smart, and endearing woman. During her first appointment, she shared that her last psychiatrist had released her psychiatric records without her permission, which did jeopardize her high profile position at work. It took months of effort for her to clean up the mess, and she didn't feel comfortable sharing her personal history after that traumatic experience. We have been working together to improve her health with a strong therapeutic relationship ever since that first session.
The need to readjust my distorted view of people happens all the time in my work. By getting to know my patients close up, I continue to polish off many sharp judgments and prejudices I gathered from past experiences: like a rock bouncing along and getting smoother along the way. It is really quite amazing how getting to know people's lives and stories helps me to be more compassionate and tolerant.
Far too often, I start off relationships with some sort of stereotype or prejudice. Here are just a few examples:
1. One of the most courageous, heroic patients I've ever had the honor to meet was an accountant in his mid-fifties who overcame chronic schizophrenia. Before calling me, he had asked seven psychiatrists to help him taper off a small amount of antipsychotic medication. They all refused, including me. But he persuaded me, saying, "I don't care if I relapse. I just want you to give it a try." We worked very hard on his recovery, and he healed completely. When I first saw him, I judged him because he looked like Dr. DoLittle. I thought he wouldn't have enough strength to overcome the challenges. Boy, was I wrong.
2. Growing up in Bountiful, Utah, my family was pretty much the entire minority community. Not only did I experience the feeling of being an outsider because of my differences in race and culture, but I also had no experience interacting with people of other races and was completely ignorant of racial and cultural issues. I was grateful when I began working with Paul, an African American man born in the Bronx, who graduated from Stanford with a degree in computer science. In our work, he shared what it felt like to be discriminated against and how it affected his self-esteem, relationships, and health. Through him, I was able to get a better understanding of what it would be like to walk in his shoes.
3. I met Jason at an IANDS conference on near-death experiences. Jason had two near-death experiences when he was young and was one of the presenters. Over time, we became good friends. Jason was gay. I had very little exposure to this growing up in Bountiful, Utah, so I learned a lot from him about what it is like to be gay. Jason was beautiful inside and out, and it was an honor getting to know him.
A close-up view of a leaf.
The wonderful part of my work as a psychiatrist is being able to get close up to people, see what's in their hearts, and learn to love them for who they really are. I agree with Brené Brown: when we get close to people, it's hard to hate them. Loving another human being is the natural outcome of truly understanding them.