Ack! Wait a sec while I shed my skin!
(Common Chuckwalla, southern Utah)
Lately, I've been distracted and sidetracked by a remodeling project. As mundane and un-psychiatryish as it may be to write about it here, it has caused me to have some interesting insights and reflections on Life. I am eager to share them with you!
I confess that my head has been focused on another matter these past few weeks: bathroom renovations. It's been an increasingly stressful process and something that has dragged out much longer than my patience seems to allow. It's at a stage where the walls are half painted, and the floor and shower are half tiled. Wires protrude from the walls and there is a hole where the toilet once sat. I wish it was all done, but no, I am and will remain relegated to another part of the house for the next couple of weeks.
It will be very beautiful once it is done: light gray walls, "wood" floor tiles, and pale rock-like ceramic for the shower walls. "A natural Zen" would be a good way to describe the final look. In order to achieve the new look the old tiles were broken up and removed, a wall got taken down and another one built, and dust landed on everything. What a mess it was and still is.
But, I have faith in Jose, despite my impatience and anxiety, and my struggle with trusting the process and needing to micromanage. He's done a great job on my friend's bathroom. I saw the final product, and her bathroom was amazing. So, though I don't understand how it's all going to work out and fall together, I hope that it will.
Our lives follow a similar process of remodeling. Changes are difficult and challenging, even if it is for the betterment of the person. Our walls form familiar boundaries, and when they get broken down in order to enlarge our mind or heart, we feel unsettled and a little confused by the process.
We have to have faith--in this creative process--that everything will turn out all right. The dents will be filled in. New pieces will fit together and bond. We have a vision of that "natural zen" that we are aiming for and a belief that it will come to us--soon.
It is the breaking apart that is the most difficult to bear. All the dust that doesn't quite settle. Life needs to be broken up in order to reform, sometimes. And then, the days of waiting trains us to be patient, to wait for the transformation that will surely come as long as we work for it.
Today was not an easy day. I awoke to a few phone calls of patients who are in need and suffering. I must face the unknown again and again, and find firm ground where there is nothing but thin air. Most of the time I succeed, but not all. I have to face my limitations, shame, doubt, and disappointment--like dust particles that never settle and can never be swept away. In the meantime, I am growing with each challenge I face.
My mother once told me that I could not be a good psychiatrist because I was too impatient. She was right, but then I developed patience. Life trains us to be better and enlarges our capacities. I am more patient now than I was at 17 and less patient than I will be after this bathroom renovation is done. Hopefully, Jose will forgive me for being a nuisance with my texts.
Life creates through us, and we create new rooms and new views. May you appreciate the transformations happening around and within you every day.