For those observant readers out there, you may have noticed that my Holistic Update has been renamed Under the Holistic Psychiatrist's Hat: stories, reflections, and insights from the life of a holistic psychiatrist. Why's that? You may wonder. It's because I wanted my articles to share the same title as the book that I'm writing! 😄 Let's move on to this week's topic!
I've been learning about the role of forgiveness in healing. I admit that where forgiveness is concerned, I experienced little of it growing up and even less once I entered medicine. So, what I know about receiving forgiveness and how to forgive is just a sprout of understanding.
I find that forgiveness is easier said than done. Perhaps you may agree. However, because I believe that forgiveness in healing may be as important as detoxification in living, it's worth knowing how to go from mere words to the embodiment of forgiveness.
Read on as I share a couple of simple stories that illustrate the power of forgiveness and how to forgive more easily. Have a wonderful week!
To Forgive or to Forget?
Healing from the slings and arrows of life
Embarrassingly, I arrived late to some friendly neighbors' music recital and quickly found and sat in the only seat left in the auditorium.
After the music paused for a break, I felt a tap on my left shoulder and found myself face-to-face with another one of my neighbors. I had sat next to her and her husband but hadn't noticed when I squeezed by them to get to the seat.
"Hi, Alice! How've you been? I haven't heard from you for a long time!" She said with a smile.
"Oh, hi! I've been busy," I said, looking away.
The truth was that she had offended me one too many times, and after our last conversation a few months ago, I had decided to cut her out of my life. It didn't require much effort since the main thing we had in common was that we lived close to each other.
Apparently, my decision had another unexpected effect. No matter how hard or how long I tried, I could no longer remember her name even though I had known her for over two years.
You may be wondering at this point what had happened to offend me. The last time we talked, she helped me to move a heavy box holding a long, wooden patio chair into my backyard. Afterward, she immediately focused on some flowering vines between the boulders of a retaining wall and warned me that they were invasive weeds.
"I know," I replied with a shrug, feeling annoyed at her habitual focus on negative issues. Didn't I have the rest of my yard for her to admire? Why worry about a few weeds?
"Oh," she said, "I just thought you planted them there."
I had no words for that. I just looked at her. At the time, it never occurred to me that it was impossible to plant weeds. What would a person have to do? Go to Home Depot and look for pots of weeds for sale?
I felt angry because she had insulted my intelligence. I'd have to be just about the stupidest person on earth to purposefully plant weeds in my yard. I didn't realize, at the time, that she wasn't thinking very clearly on her end. Nor did I find her comment humorous. Though I do now.
So, there I was sitting next to a woman, with whom I no longer wish to be acquainted, unable to remember her name over the course of several musical numbers.
It was obvious that there was nothing wrong with my memory per se. I could remember her entire family's names, though I never met her two children. I knew I was still feeling angry and insulted by her, and had "forgotten" her name because I had blocked her out of my life.
How to move beyond this? I was desperately trying to remember her name but I simply couldn't. After nearly half an hour, an idea arose that if I forgave her for insinuating that I was as stupid as a rock, I might be able to remember her name.
Nothing changed through my own intention to forgive her. So I prayed for help to truly forgive. I reached out to God and thought, "I want to forgive her. Please help me to forgive her."
A moment later, I remembered her name. I was so relieved!
Later that week, we decided to go to a natural history museum exhibit together and had a good time.
Once we value forgiveness, we can choose to apply it in different settings for mundane, daily events. Recently, a cashier, a young man in his teens, shorted me some change when I gave him a twenty dollar bill for a small item. I decided not to mention it because it was just a small amount of money. However, it still bothered me as I walked back to my car. To stop being bothered by it, I decided to forgive him.
Interestingly, the idea that he didn't know how to give the correct change, popped into my mind shortly after I forgave him. I remembered how he fumbled and counter the bills and seemed flustered with the process.
It hadn't occurred to me that a cashier wouldn't know how to count change. But with everyone choosing to pay with credit cards nowadays, it's possible for a young employee working at a bakery to lack this basic skill.
With that thought, any assumptions of being a victim of a purposeful, unfair, or unjust exchange vanished. I felt compassion for him and was surprised by a feeling of lightness after the idea.
I believe that forgiveness is a different process from the intention to "clear, release, and let go," which I've routinely used during EETwith my patients. Though similar, a vacuum remains afterward, when we clear, release, and let go of something.
When we forgive, positive energy replaces what is forgiven. That positive energy may lead to the retrieval of a name or restoration of peace as illustrated in the two stories. But it can also lead to so much more.
Just as healing a wound is a process of removing injured tissue and replacing it with healthy tissue, forgiveness is a process that removes injury and restores wholeness.
It starts with our intention to forgive, but the continuation and completion of the process is a gift, as mysteriously and miraculously given as healing from a cut.
Also, I believe that forgiveness works best if we include spiritual support to facilitate the process. Intentions and words may be insufficient for true forgiveness because true forgiveness is a creative, empowering, and transformative holistic process.
Words, at a two-dimensional state of being, do not have the power to transform life's four-dimensional state of being. It would be like trying to travel in a car that only exists on paper. The process requires alchemy at all levels of Life Energy, including, and perhaps especially through, spiritual energy.
As we appreciate the importance of forgiveness and do so frequently, we will improve an essential condition and principle of living life optimally: good things in and bad things out.
I hope my insights will help you to think of forgiveness from a holistic healing perspective. Have a wonderful week!
The Holistic Psychiatrist Podcast
Season 2 Episode 8
Click on the photo for the teaser
Click here to listen to the full episode
Be sure to subscribe!
Sometimes psychiatrists reach for psychiatric medications to treat people who are socially different and struggling with their place in the world. When in kindergarten, Kiki tested at the college level. However, she was pressured to socialize and not skip any grades. She also struggled with Autism spectrum disorder and identified as being queer. Growing up in a conservative Christian community made it even more difficult for her to fit in.
Between 1996 to 2009, Kiki was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and prescribed 49 different medications, sometimes taking nine at a time. She was able to wean off these medications before her holistic treatment with Dr. Lee in 2020.
Over the past three years, Kiki has worked with Dr. Lee on two separate occasions to continue her healing process. Kiki shares her challenges with belonging in the world and creating her way in life. How did she heal along the way and where is she headed? Listen to her amazing journey as she evolves from stressful isolation to finding her groove in life.
Click here to listen to all of The Holistic Psychiatrist Podcast episodes
Please empower and strengthen holistic psychiatric approaches by sharing these podcasts with others! Thank you!